First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.

I don’t know why I try and tell people, men in particular how I really feel. Considering they are from Mars and all. I can say one thing and they will hear something completely different. Even when S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G it out for them it’s like they have dyslexia, because they see something far different then what I wrote. Sometimes they'll ignore what I’ve said or written and will speak on something that has no relevancy to what was just spoken on.

Now there are some topics they will pay attention to; sex, sex with me, sex with me and another woman; well you get the general theme. Let me be fair, men do respond to sport topics and just about anything else besides how they really feel emotionally.

It’s like they feel if they don’t talk about it doesn’t exist. “I see the elephant, she sees the elephant. Sshhh, if we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.” I’ll never understand why men given opportunities to love and be loved don’t acknowledge their feelings until it’s too late. Seeking second chances to prove they can be reciprocal in love but rarely doing anything to about it. Hurt and sullen, they take their wounded selves to the next woman hoping she can distract him long enough to heal his wounds and hide his heart. Not realizing they are perpetuating a cycle of disappointment and apathy. Men place the love they lost on a pedestal and lock their hearts away. Making it nearly impossible for any other woman to come along and show him another kind of love.

Each time the man day dreams of his lost love it becomes more sacred, more intense, more everything; making it nearly impossible for a new woman to get anywhere near the love he’s fabricated in his head. Eventually he’ll settle for something similar, but he’s never really happy as he imagined he would be with the lost love.

Ah…Men and love. A tangent from today’s title but I just had to get it out. I suppose in a roundabout way what I just expounded on is related to today’s topic. Jill Scott has this new song titled “Still Here”. It’s the last song on her CD, and it beautifully expresses how I feel. Listen to it sometime and you’ll begin to understand who I am. You’re probably wondering by now…who am I really….


I am who I am …how you perceive me is another matter.

With draw el symptoms

Feeling like a mad dog on a short leash this Wednesday afternoon, as I try to come to terms with not spending every last dime I get. I blame this on my mother and aunts, who took “us girls” shopping every weekend, every damn weekend!

My childhood is filled with memories of two adults and six children piling into a Volkswagen bug (we were all a lot smaller then) almost every Saturday to go shopping. Kmart, Sears, JCPenny’s, etc. are all stores where I can chart my growth. My shoe size, panty size, first bra size, etc. were all well documented and are probably collecting dust in some warehouse in Iowa right about now. We clipped coupons, stood out in front of stores hours before they opened for a SUPER, DUPER, EVERYTHING 20-50% off sale, and it was a necessity to go into every store in the mall that had a sale sign in it. I can even remember eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at every restaurant in the mall at one time or another. The girls in my family were taught to spend, spend, and spend at every opportunity. None of us were raised to actual save our money, in the sense of putting in the bank and letting it collect interest. No, saving money meant buying an item for 75% off rather than full price.

You’re probably thinking, well at least they raised you to be frugal. Well, yes and no, it doesn’t help that we were also raised to be hoarders as well. See, it didn’t make any sense to just buy one sweater for 75% off, you have to buy all 8 colors. It doesn’t make sense to buy just one of anything on sale; the women in my family reason. In order to be considered a bargain, you have to buy a least three or four of the item that’s on sale.

I could go on but you get the point. Spendthrift is a word that describes the women in my family perfectly. The damage has been extensive. One has filed bankruptcy, one was busted using her grandmother’s credit fraudulently, and several are climbing out of debt hell; me included.

As a Christian, I pay 10% in tithes at the beginning of every month. Having only recently been faithful in that area (another story, another time); I finally let go of the notion that I was going to hit the lotto jackpot. The idea of winning lotto millions or finding a sugar daddy aside, there was only one option to being set free from debt and that was and is becoming disciplined with my finances.

A recent prayer is to become a better steward of the 90% I am left with monthly. It is physically and emotionally painful not be to be able to shop. What I am going through is not unlike what a junkie goes through when giving up heroin, ‘cept without the chapped, cracked lips and needle marks.

Keep a girl in your prayers as she walks past all the latest fall fashions. The leather skirts, the peacoats, the sexy dark brown boots…oh my. *SIGH*

Thursdays

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'" --Douglas Adams (HG2G)

Can I take my shoes off first?

Things that make you go hmmmmm (invoking Arsenio Hall)...
Maybe it's because I just came in from running 3.3 miles this morning (training for my 2nd marathon) in 35 minutes. Or perhaps it's the Nike ad I just read “I am not built like a runner; my bones aren’t weightless (or even) gazelle-like.” It may even be the results of my last physical that prove regardless of what the scale says I am healthy, that I had to talk about this.

I have ran across quite a few online ads (now that is a story in of itself) that spiel about "I am looking for a friend first...not an instant relationship, someone hang out with, etc." but she has to be so tall (or short) and weigh proportionate." Now that got me to thinking.

Does that mean I’ll be weighed in before the date? Having to step on the scale like boxers before a fight, clad in only thin boxer shorts. Can I at least take off my shoes first? Because, I’m thinking they weigh about a pound. Should weight matter, if I am an intelligent, occasionally neurotic, Prince fanatic? Should I be weighed in physically before I am mentally or emotionally? I wonder if the divorce rate would be lower if people married for love instead of lust.

I understand every man/woman has preferences, I know I do. I mean I expect the men I date to be legally sane (as a girl who has found herself on a date or two with mentally challenged men, I speak from experience).

I guess my gripe this morning; as I stuff this banana down my throat and try to convince myself to go bike riding after work tonight sore thighs and all; is why the requirements if you are simply seeking a friend? You never know who you might meet if you let go of the physical standards of what a friend should look like and you just might meet the woman of your dreams through that height/weight disproportionate friend.

Okay...that's my 89 cents worth of banter. I’ll piss off now until tomorrow.

This Day...8/23

Who am I? I am the woman at the well in John 4…seeking to quench her physical thirst…but finding instead the ONE who offers a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

I stand before you not as a perfect woman with a perfect body but as a woman who knows the ONE who makes the wind dance between the trees…

A woman who rejoices in knowing that God’s love for me never fades and isn’t dependent on requirements.

How amazing toknow Yahweh loves us …in spite of….

How to know me… Listen to my loud laugh and hear the echoes of my past, present and future joys…touch the pregnant tears that flow from my eyes and feel the sorrows that I have carried and will carry…look into the windows of my soul and see life eternal.